“SUCKA PLEASE, YOU KNOW MY RHYMES ARE TIGHT!”

SUCKA PLEASE, MY RHYMES ARE THE SHIT!, originally uploaded by LAZY LIGHTNIN.

BABY SERRANA ,FRESH OFF THE SUCCESS OF HER LATEST PLATINUM ALBUM ,GREETS THE MEDIA WITH EXCITED BUT SUBTLE CONFIDENCE.

BUCKFIELD “LADY BUCKS” GO UNDEFEATED

Honestly, I could care less that a Maine class D girls high school basketball team went undefeated in the Pine Cone Division (south conference).  I understand that they are one of the highest scoring teams in the state and that it is quite an accomplishment to win twenty consecutive games.  Great.

But this cannot be the big story here. In my opinion, the big story I garner from the above headline is where it makes reference to “Lady Bucks”, and the fact that in a cluster of small rural towns people are yelling and cheering for a squad of girls who are called “Lady Bucks”.

I guess when Buckfield High School came about it was only natural that they be called the Bucks, as the mighty Cougar, Hornet, Rebel, Falcon, Andy, and Tiger  have already been taken by surrounding towns.

(Hey, Livermore Falls, what the hell is an Andy? Your logo suggests a drunken logger with an ax, which I will admit is more imposing than all of the aforementioned animal mascots).

But one crucial piece separates the Buck from all of the other animal mascots (except the drunken Livermore Falls logger) and that is gender specificity.  Maybe it’s not real important, but when you suit up high school girls in basketball uniforms and refer to them as ‘Lady Bucks’ it isn’t very flattering.

As we stride towards equality in our society (albeit slowly) shouldn’t there be a boys team who needs a female animal mascot name, such as the Buckfield Male-Does or the Jay High School Man-Lionesses?  I’d like to see the public reaction to a massive mascot gender recall in the state of Maine.  “Goddamn Baldacci, first regionalization, now we can’t even call’em the damn Lady Bucks no more!  I’m voting Libertarian! No taxes, no stupid government tellin’ me I can’t cheer for the Lady Bucks”…and so on.

I suppose, when it’s all said and done (tourney time that is) you better have a good record if you are a Lady Buck–like an undefeated record.

DIXFIELD MAYOR:”WE’RE JUST FRIGGIN MIRED IN SNOW.”

LUCKILY, WE HAD AN HOUR DELAY SO I COULD SHOVEL THE CAR OUT, originally uploaded by LAZY LIGHTNIN.

I BEEN SHOVELIN’ FOR TWO HOURS AND JUST FINALLY DUG DOWN DEEP A NUFF TO SEEN THE CAR. WE GOT SO MUCH FRIGGIN SNOW. GOOD FOR SLEDDIN’ BUT CUSS IT’S BAD FOR SHOVELIN’.

THIS KITCHEN HAS SIMPLY GOT TO GO…

You know you have a good friend when the good friend hands you a hammer and says: “So, let’s rip apart my kitchen tonight.”  Yes!  At the time I was content just watching the Maine high school basektball tournaments and letting the Chinese food digest.  But with the prospects of a mass demolition project accompanied by a rather excessive driveway bonfire–and it’s not at my house, I feel it’s my civic duty to wield the hammer.

My buddy Mike is redoing his kitchen; walls, floor, cabinets.  To save time and money (and disposal costs) we decided to demo the kitchen ourselves.

The first cabinets went easily, like cutting butter with a machete.  Then came the realization that the food in the cabinets will have to be dealt with before complete destruction occurs.  Amity was there (thankfully not offended by destruction and fire) and was the crucial thoughtful compliment to Mike’s and my aggression.  Two garbage bags were produced–one for trash and one for food he wanted to keep.  When the ‘keeper’ bag overflowed, a small awkward assortment of boxes were used to contain cookware, utensils, and anything else that wasn’t flammable.

As the cabinets, or rather cabinet chunks and pieces covered the floor it became apparent that disposal would be important.  Mike and Amity started a nice blaze in the driveway as I maintained a consistent storm of smashing, prying, ripping in the kitchen.  At one point I took a David Ortizian swing at a cabinet and smahsed the glass cover of the kitchen light, sending broken glass raining down on the floor.  To my gleeful excitement Mike explained that he was getting new light fixtures as part of the kitcken renovation.

The fire outside grew cautiously big, espcially with the emergence of a huge set of cabinets that we set on top of the wild flames.  We laughed at the idea of paying someone to demo a kitchen and the foolishness of renting a dumpster for stuff that can easily and entertainingly burn in a fire.  It being Amity’s first visit to the House of Mike we told her that we usually burn a room off his house every so often.  “I used to have a mansion.” he told her.

Back inside, the kitchen was now gutted out.  Some  powder-blue wall paper from the mid seventies was visible where the cabinets were, a repulsive ghost of a past generation in which powder-blue was ‘nice’ and ’socially acceptable’ and not ‘repugnant’ and ‘hideous’.  The hood vent of the stove was held up by an appropriately sized chunk of cabinet standing upright on the stovetop.  The place was decimated.

Soon (not for three weeks, actually) Mike will have a new kitchen and new floors and new walls and we will be running sorely low on ‘rooms to demo’.  It was memorable, though, having such a prominent role in the destruction of my friend’s kitchen.  Coming soon: there goes the living room…

RACE BEFORE THE RACE: TWISTS AND TURNS IN THE PRIMARIES

THE REPUBLICAN RACE: THE THREE-LEGGED ELEPHANT OUTLASTS THE TWO-LEGGED ELEPHANTS.

Plastic smiles, phony waves, awkward social interactions–it’s election time again. Presidential hopefuls are running the race before the race, doing whatever needs to be done to secure victory in the primary races. And if that means saying stuff like “…and I do care about the work-force here in Davenport, Iowa!” with conviction than so be it.

Whoever sells it, gets it and some need to work harder than others. John McCain, for example. He will win the Republican nomination without a fight from here on out as his only viable opponents have dropped out. McCain could change his name to Linda, become a Satanist, and wear heels for the rest of his campaign and still get the nod comfortably.

That is not to say that he had a lot of competition. Names like Rudy, Mitt, and Huckabee don’t inspire a lot of confidence in the general populace. Being led by a president named Huckabee would not garner a lot of respect from our global peers. “Mr. Putin, it’s President Huckabee on the line, he says he’s serious.” Right. That’s not appropriate on so many levels.  He could open a chain of barbeque pits perhaps, or take up the fiddle, but certainly not rule the United States of America.

Rudy and Mitt never had a chance. You knew that, they knew that, and so did a vast majority of Americans. I wonder now how much influence the networks had on their campaign. They had one lack-luster candidate for the Repubs in McCain and a small group of backup presidential hopefuls tagging along. The networks desperately need a race, no matter who the contestants so it is imperative that someone joined McCain at least for a while.

After all, an uncontested McCain would not exactly pour on the ratings. John McCain is like a hobbling veteran quarterback who has seen minimal success in his career and is now leading an fledgling team with three futile backup quarterbacks behind him that by comparison make him the clear choice. “God forbid McCain goes down because then we would have to see______________(fill in the blank with Mitt, Rudy, Huckabee) go in and that would be the end.”

So, what the Big Elephant is now left with is one of the least popular presidents of all time leaving office and possibly being replaced by a 71-year old Vinny Testaverde–a decent guy, some success, but while he’s the best player on the team right now, he is by no means the man for the job.

THE DEMS: THE TWO (WO)MAN RACE(S)

Whatever flair the Repub race is lacking is more than compensated for with the uncomfortably tight Democratic race between Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton.  The gender/race issue being an obvious subject of interest, there is much more to this race that those components.

What I find much more compelling is the idea that the opponents contrast in one considerable area:  Washington experience.   I think this concept is one of great importance, but not in the way most people see the issue.  Obama has been criticized for his lack of experience, having only been in Washington for four years as an Illinois senator.  Meanwhile, Hillary has been involved in the Washington Political Machine since Husband Bill first touched down back in 1992.

I tend to feel that “Washington experience” is not necessarily a great asset, but instead an obstacle on the way to creating true progress.  It is common knowledge that we need significant changes in the way things run in Washington, as there is a laundry list of topics (foreign affairs, education to name a few) desperately in need of attention.  In some cases those topics require revolutionary alterations.

Revolutionary change does not bode well with people already entrenched in Washington affairs, especially those in positions in which they are banking on the status quo.  It would not be a profound statement to claim that politicians are simply vessels for corporate interests and the financial security of many ‘friends’ and ‘campaign supporters’ and their industries.

This is not solely a Republican or Democratic trait.  It is easy to label it ‘the Republican way’ because of the current administration’s track record with corruption and compliance with the energy and defense industries, among others.  The administration’s relationship with these entities has produced a devastating war in Iraq and has left a scarring impression on the image of this country in the world.  While one can make many accusations in the direction of the right, Democrats, including Husband Bill, are not  immune from blame.  Anyone who’s been prominent in Washington for as long as Bill Clinton has the attention of big industry people.

Now, this is not to say that Barak Obama is not wealthy, lacks corporate money in his campaign,  and will not to some degree be manipulated by big money interests, because that would be naive.  But I do feel that Hillary will be exponentially more seduced by corporate interests and less likely to bring upon positive change than her opponent.  I feel the more experience people have in Washington, the more indebted they are to various interests that can infringe upon real change.

They are neck and neck as it stands now.  Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania are the major  battleground states that both candidates will vie for until the Democratic convention.  Both campaigns will be dissected and be placed under the magnifying glass to seek out imperfections.  Poll after poll will surface with numbers so close that statistically they, for the most part, will determine nothing except how close the polls are.

Both candidates will get backing from various groups.  CNN will report things like, “The Central Illinois Farming Equipment Alliance announced it’s support for Obama today while Clinton gets the nod from the Greater Toledo Chapter of Oprah’s Book Club.”  Look for them in places like Dayton and Lubbock and Harrisburg in the upcoming weeks hoping for the chance to tangle with a three-legged elephant named John McCain.

ATARI BASEBALL ‘08 CAPTURES THE GAME DOWN TO THE FINEST DETAIL

Industry sources believe the success of Atari will be expanded exponentially when they achieve the technology to create diagonal lines and make games with a palette of more than four colors.

‘TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE VACATION…

It is interesting the psychology of school children during the week preceding a week-long vacation.  Anticipation  kindles day by day until the  massive crescendo of glee when the bell strikes 2:15 (or whatever hour kids are released).  Generally, kiddos are less focused and enjoy reminding any authoritative figure that ‘we only ‘gut’ like three days til’ vacation, so what’s the point of learning stuff.’
It is the worst at the elementary level.  I remember having first grade art students on the afternoon on Fridays before vacation  and watching them melt into little balls of noise and energy, unpredictably blurting out odd noises and making sudden and seemingly involuntary jerking movements.

What teachers face is the problem of: You know what to expect the week before vacation– children frantic and unmotivated with only so many televisions available in the school to throw “Finding Nemo” on.  But what is the teachers response?

One method I’ve seen teachers use is the ‘Welcome to hell, pull up a chair” work week, a full on death march of learning with the promise of fun at the end of the busy week.  My friend Mike teaches history at a local high school and will at these times bust out his dreaded DBQ’s (document based questions) rife with long, challenging articles and advanced written responses.  Then, by Friday the kids are working on a 64 Dunkin Donut party tray and playing wiffle-ball in the classroom (Industrial Revolution wiffle-ball, that is).

Another way to go is having a major long term project due on Friday then celebrate with “Finding Nemo” or “Cars” and orange drink and triple-butter popcorn.   The idea is to work in class on the ‘big’ project so they’re focused (in theory) then fire up the ol’ DVD player in cinematic celebration.

This week my younger kids (5th and 6th grade) will be in  “What upcoming vacation?” mode– a complete  and utter denial of the inevitable.  They will work like young mules creating art as if the word vacation has not yet been invented.  They will work hard and like it, and if they don’t they will be invited to pretend that the work is fun until finally it becomes ‘fun’.  “

What the hell is “Finding Nemo?” will be written on my board on Monday morning.

The seventh graders, on the other hand, will be throwing squishy fake vegetables against a big wall of multi-colored targets this crucial week.  The ‘Color Scheme Throwdown” was a lesson I devised on accident.  We had been given a sack of novelty soft vegetables at a teacher workshop to induce kids with more physical learning styles into learning.  Naturally, upon returning to the classroom I was hit by some broccoli by a fellow teacher and what ensued was a ten minute vegetable war before first period between the two of us.  A couple of foolish kids came in to partake only to scurry out of the room when they realized how loud a squishy potato sounded hitting a wall less than a foot from their head.  They gave us confused looks as they backed out of the room and shut the door behind them.

After the battled wound to a halt (actually first period started and consequently ended the standoff) I told myself that I need to do something productive with the fruit beside terrorize my fellow staff.

What the kids do is create, on a big piece of paper, seven targets–one for each of the seven color schemes they learn about in the color theory unit.  The targets need to feature a color scheme and need to be unlabeled.  I then hang the target up on a wall.  On the floor I place tape strips with point values written on them (the strips further back being worth more points). The idea is for each team to accrue the most points. Points are scored when team members first call the color scheme they are aiming for, answer a question about the color scheme and then if they hit the target they get the points (based on when they throw it from).  Of course, we add style points (around the back and 360 degree, through the legs shots) for show-offs and bonus questions for kids who know the content but are not particularly inspired by tossing soft vegetables at a wall.

Last year the ‘Throw-down’ went fairly well, in my opinion.  The kids look back at it with fond memories.  It makes for a great physical learning experience, especially on the week before vacation.  You know darn well that in the end they’re gonna find Nemo and that there will be a happy, predictable ending to any other Disney flick you show them.  What cannot be predicted is the desire and drive and will of an adolescent throwing  squishy produce at a wall.

SHOVELING IS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT CAMERAS AND ORANGES

Taking pictures of oranges is a fantastic alternative to shoveling.

There is far less horizontally blowing snow in the living room where I am shooting oranges.

DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE (unless you’re on drugs)

Right now the school children are in their homerooms taking an hour long drug survey.  I remember taking those surveys when I was in school.   They are the ones that are set up like this:

How often do you smoke dope?

a.  Mostly always

b.  Pretty much quite a bit

c.  Seldom

d.  Mostly never

e.  Never

And the kids go forth and forge themselves into a fourteen year old crack/speed addict who’s pregnant (male or female) and likes to dabble in chewing tobacco between binges of wine (one glass every 20 days. according to the test people definition of ‘binge’).  When a test of filling in bubbles takes an hour long on the last period Friday one canno tbe surprised that kids will tinker with reality a bit.

SUNRISES-ON-ANDROSCOGGIN

DANG RIGHT! PEANUT BUTTER M&M’S

‘F’ IS FOR SCISSORS

 “Javany scissors?”  my students always ask.  Scissors are an important feature in any art room–much like having an exhaust on your vehicle. Without an exhaust the car will run (and sound awesome) but it is not the cleanest, most efficient way to run a car.  Scissors are a crucial fixture in the art room.   I would have said that scissors are a staple in my classroom but that could be confusing, like saying a door is ajar.

When I moved into the art room six years ago all the cabinets were labeled with letters and numbers.  The letters go to “L” and the numbers go to ten, except the ‘1’ fell off the “10” drawer so my drawers go from ‘1 up to zero’.  How’s this for completely messing with the minds of near absolute concrete thinkers at the middle school level?

I arrange my material in order of priority, regardless of the letter.  Thus pencils, erasers, scissors, rulers and other common items sit in the easy to access top shelves while charcoal, prehistoric paint, and my fabulous sun stencil lie in the bottom drawers.  (Note:  Any kid who needs a stencil to draw the sun gets put in the corner and they do free-hand ‘practice suns’ until they can draw a circle with lines coming off it) .

While I organize my drawers according to priority, the letters and numbers are labeled, regardless of the materials, in order top to bottom.  Hence, the priority of the materials and the letters and numbers do not relate.  For instance, scissors, pencils, and erasers are found in the “F” drawer, which happens to be a top drawer.  Thus “F” is for scissors.

Kids get confused and at times frustrated by the logic.  They expect scissors to be in the “S” drawer.  To their chagrin, there is no “S” drawer, and I calmly explain that due to the absence of an “S” drawer I have no choice but to put them in the top drawer labeled “F”.  They seem dejected and hopeless, like it’s a science they will never be able to fully understand–like me trying to do a rubix cube.

“Why are scissors in the “F” drawer?” they moan.
“Because “F” is for scissors…and pencils and erasers, as well.” I reply smugly.
“Why aren’t they in the “S” drawer?” they demand.
“Go and show me the “S” drawer and we’ll talk.”  I answer.
“But there isn’t even an “S” drawer!“ they retort, losing the battle now and realizing it.
“Yes, of course.  Because “F” is for scissors.”

The decree has been etched into stone for them.  They lumber off towards the cabinets and drawers defeated.  I call after them:
“H” is for tape.
“B” is for water colors.
“L” is for painting smocks.
“9” is for crayon.
“And remember…”G” is for glue stick!”